Fifteen years ago we started a tradition in my family that has become a holiday staple for our friends and the random family member with enough of a sense of humor to tolerate our occasionally pointed barbs. The annual MockMas Letter chronicles just how awesome our lives have been since the last holiday, especially compared to our readers’. I have decided to reprint some of them here for the benefit of our “subscribers” who have only recently joined the mailing list.
In 1999 we were married for just 2 years and the plaintive wailing from aspiring grandparents was an ever present topic of conversation, just not one in which we were thrilled to participate. We had vivid memories of growing up in Chicago and Buffalo and pretty much nothing else, including money. We did have time, though, and aspirations. That was all in 1999 B.C.; the time before children.
Enjoy Part 1 of the Christmas Letter Roundup: 1999…
It’s time for our holiday letter – in which we tell you more than you really needed, wanted or deserved to know about our lives.
It is hard to believe another year has passed already! Most of you away from the west coast had to endure another hurricane season, another tornado season, another blizzard, hail and a mudslide season, too (and don’t forget the flood season). But everyone tells us to watch out for the earthquakes here in California, so we worry.
Our most stimulating news is that we bought a home (see our Christmas card, enclosed). Yes, we succumbed to buying the cheapest over-priced house we could find in California. We starting building a house with the Lego that Pete stole from his job at Legoland, but the city found out so we had to demolish it – which is always more fun than building with Lego anyway. In case you don’t have our new address, you still don’t.
No, Jill is not pregnant yet. We will let you know exactly when Hell freezes over. Speaking of kids, we became an aunt and uncle on August 22nd. Jill’s brother, Dave and sister-in-law, Kris, just gave birth to Jill’s new favorite relative (well Kris did, not so much Dave). Jill is also the GODmother. Having a title with the word “God” in it is long overdue for Jill. It’s nice that some people have finally seen the light.
Pete is doing well at Legoland except that he is on-call for Christmas. After all, the atheists need some place to go since everything else will be closed. Who knows, maybe Mary and Joseph took baby Jesus to Six Flags over Bethlehem for his Birthday where he got donkey rides and feasted on fried manna. This means we will be spending Christmas in California. Peter is in charge of lights and, as you can see from our card, we are that one house on the block that always goes overboard. Even though you weren’t wondering, the red lights on the roof next to the word SANTA make out a flashing arrow facing the chimney. We want to make absolutely sure that Santa knows where to land. That said, it will come as no surprise to all of you that our theme this year is: “I’m Dreaming of a White Trash Christmas.”
Not much else is going on in our lives. We are going to gorge on holiday food and probably quit our jobs since the end of the world is supposedly going to be here on New Year’s Eve. We hope all of you have a great New Year’s and a prosperous year to come. If the world ends, look us up in the afterlife. You are all welcome to visit us. Just mention this letter and we’ll throw in a free continental breakfast.
Peter & Jill